Elizabeth Hasselbeck Sucks

Why we are still watching The View, after Star's unceremonious ouster, we don't know. Perhaps it's to see Barbara Walters in a pair of goggles-cum-spectacles. Hell, we weren't sure why we watched before Star's grand adieu.

Nonetheless, today Kelly Monaco (the chick who shook her booty to win Dancing With the Stars - only to be stripped of her title by the dude from Seinfeld) has the honor of sitting in Star's chair. The gals get into a discussion of marriage. This discussion was clearly orchestrated by the producers to give Elizabeth the opportunity to do her real job, i.e., slut herself out for the Republican party. In fact, we need a payola inquiry immediately. Anyway, Kelly Monaco is 30, and she's been with her boyfriend for 15 years. They're not married.

Elizabeth, as everyone knows, is married to Tim Hasselbeck, whom she loves, honors, cherishes, obeys, procreates with, goes to church with, condemns liberals with... No one can convince me that this chick didn't come with a remote control and a battery pack in her back.

Citizen-officer Elizabeth attacks Kelly for not marrying her boyfriend. Of course she says the obligatory, "that's fine, it's totally your choice, but..." According to Lizzie, lots of people "attack" marriage, and "attack" people who believe in marriage. And it's fine if people don't want to get married as long as they don't attack marriage.

Shut up Elizabeth. First, Kelly Monaco didn't even bring up the subject. Second, the bridal industry in this country is huge and growing exponentially every year. If marriage was a company on the NYSE it would be the worst investment, like, ever. Sixty percent fail. And yet...Americans do it in droves every year. Who's attacking marriage? She's so dumb.

Joy, whose life's work seems to be taking people - especially Republicans - off their high horse, was right on point today. I can't stand her, but ooh today she was sooooo good. She was like, "Elizabeth, how long have you and Tim been together?" This Elizabeth is so stupid she didn't see it coming. "Eight years," she boasts, batting her eyelashes. Joy counters "...and how long have you been married?" "Ummm, why four years," bat-bat, bat-bat. Nosy ass Joy busts out "so what, you had pre-marital sex?" Elizabeth damn near fell under the table. She was furious and told Joy it was none of her business. She also demanded to know what pre-marital sex had to do with the discussion. She was right. Really it had nothing to do with the discussion. Joy probably just figured, "today I'm nailing this uppity bitch for something." Yaaayy!!

Liberals (even a/holes like Joy): 1
Republican Stepford Wives: 0

Disclaimer: We totally believe in marriage despite the odds. We just don't need a speech about it from people who send young men and women to war to be killed in order to satisfy their individual bloodlust and eugenicist impulses.