This Just In...

How we wish we had access to Wendy Williams' little sound machine. Imagine it, clackety clack clack, clackety clack...breaking news...

Anyway. We watched Star on CNN's Larry King Live. We thought it would just be more of the same, "I was fired," said Star, "she betwayed me," said Barbara, mumbo-jumbo. But no. ABC faxed in a point for point memorandum giving their side of the story. Star spoke slowly and deliberately to the points, addressing Rosie "the himbo" O'Donnell, her umm..."medical intervention," the co-stars, and the injustice of it all. For your reading pleasure, we present, "The Highlights." [Insert Wendy's shock and awe sound here].

1) According to ABC, Star's money-grubbing ways had put her out of favor with the American public and the higher ups since last year. She was the cause of their flagging ratings (right, and not that piss-for-brains Elizabeth Hasselbeck... or the bastion of couth Joy Behar, who bears an odd resemblance to two puppets: Lady Adelaine from Mister Rogers and Madam from Solid Gold).

2) Lest it ever be debated, Star Jones is annoying. But you haters would be surprised to know, she is capable of remorse. She regrets the whole freebie thing. Star conceded on live television tonight, that she used her celebrity to score an obscene quantity of crap for the "celebration" of her and Al's love. And if she had to do it again, she says she would not. I mean, yeah, it was kinda tacky.

3) ABC says that network executives wanted to fire Star like yesterday, like in November. Barbara "begged" the network not to fire her then since it was so close to Christmas. (And you know what Christmas is like for poor Negroes from the South. Let Miss Sophia go home and be with her chillun for Christmas - she can stay allll day). Whoops, we digress...this appeared to be the first time Star had heard of this November firing.

4) Star claims they told her on April 21st (she repeated the date ad nauseum), that her contract wouldn't be renewed. A few days prior to the 21st, Rosie literally called Star a big fat liar in the press. At the Emmy awards, later in the week, right before they stepped on stage, Barbara told her that she hired Rosie to replace Meredith. These events occurred within one week.

5) ABC executives told Star she couldn't leave until after Meredith left.

6) Highlight of the night: Star never hid her gastric bypass. She repeatedly referred to her weight loss as a medical intervention. Larry King asked "does that mean surgery?" Star says, without missing a beat, "What else could it be? Look at me for God's sake."

It's Star:1, Barbara: 0. But then there's always tomorrow. BTW, after all this, and after Barbara Walters called herself a liar in the press, Larry King has the unmitigated gall to look at Star and say "I've known Barbara a long time...could she be lying?" Hmm.

Here's the transcript from CNN.